the secret of u.s. friendships

it's been mostly a mystery to me how u.s.-americans form lasting friendships beyond "how are you"s and a rather opportunistic party culture in which it's okay to cancel a couple of hours before a birthday celebration that was agreed upon weeks ago.

not having found an answer yet despite observations and experiences for about 4 1/2 years i most often have thought it's due to my different socialization in germany.

turns out it might not be me but the us-americans as an insightful article by daniel akst in the wilson quarterly published this summer 2010 contends.

america: land of loners? he asks, providing quantitative and qualitative answers woven together to show the state of friendship in the (dis)united states of america:

"In a separate study, Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler, authors of Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives (2009), surveyed more than 3,000 randomly chosen Americans and found they had an average of four “close social contacts” with whom they could discuss important matters or spend free time. But only half of these contacts were solely friends; the rest were a variety of others, including spouses and children.

Here, as on so many fronts, we often buy what we need. The affluent commonly hire confidants in the form of talk therapists, with whom they may maintain enduring (if remunerated) relationships conducted on a first-name basis. The number of household pets has exploded throughout the Western world, suggesting that not just dogs but cats, rats, and parakeets are often people’s best friends. John Cacioppo, a University of Chicago psychologist who studies loneliness, says he’s convinced that more Americans are lonely—not because we have fewer social contacts, but because the ones we have are more harried and less meaningful."

akst contemplates different influences on the decline of deeper friendship in the usa such as the tradition of the country to hail the single hero(ine) and self-reliance, frequent moving and career choices, divorce, and in the case of men a fear of being seen as gay.

akst's analytical amalgam is worth reading for any alien who's been pondering about friendship us-american style.

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